Falling in Love… With Yourself
Love is a powerful feeling. Many of us know when we have fallen into it. The phrase “I’m in love” is commonly used to describe a delicious concoction of chemicals that come together to set off a wonderful euphoria in our brains. Being in love can make colors seem brighter, can make us feel like we are on top of the world, and makes us feel alive. Many people wonder if this is love or a high. It doesn’t matter, because it feels good. The one downfall to this euphoria is that it always seems to wear off. We are going to discuss how to keep the love alive! And better yet, how to generate this for ourselves so that we are better lovers to the people in our lives.
First, let’s look at what goes on behind the scenes. We know that love is an actual chemical process that occurs in the brain. Love causes dopamine (ecstasy and excitement) to spike along with oxytocin and vasopressin (connection and commitment). As these chemicals increase, the amygdala deactivates which causes people to feel less stress and fear. Therefore, we can deduce that the primary ingredients to love are connection, excitement, and commitment. We are now going to look at some effective ways of incorporating these ingredients into our daily routines.
Connection
We are all social creatures. Therefore, it is paramount for us to feel connected. It is important for us to be around others. It might be tempting to isolate at times and for my introverts, who may want to stay home alone, it can be helpful to simply sit outside and observe people from a distance if you are not feeling too social. Reaching out to supportive friends or family who will listen to you and validate you can help establish a connection. Receiving physical affection from a loved one or cuddling with a pet can go a long way in releasing oxytocin. Being able to get involved with your community or volunteer your time can also give you a sense of connection. I’m an avid believer in support groups. I think finding a group that you can relate to can also give you a great sense of connection and acceptance. When it comes to connection, mindfulness is also a great tool. Practicing mindfulness can help you stay connected to the present moment and to yourself. Most importantly, recognizing, that no matter what you are facing in your life, you are not alone! There are millions of people out there who have been where you are now and have had similar experiences.
Ecstasy and Excitement
When we fall in love, we get conditioned to associate this other person with feelings of happiness and euphoria. We can also condition ourselves to feel joy by rewarding ourselves frequently. It can be a little too easy to get bogged down with our responsibilities and mundane tasks. In order to keep the dopamine flowing, it’s important to have fun! We can work hard and play hard. Now, I’m not just talking about doing things that interest you. I’m referring to doing things that require you to step a little outside of your comfort zone. Making time for new experiences can help increase dopamine. Make a bucket list of all the things you’d like to try and find the time to follow through. Sprinkling in a bit of spontaneity here and there can also spice things up. Try a new restaurant, talk to a stranger, take a random drive somewhere new, go skydiving, re-invent your look, jump into a foam pit, etc. Don’t forget to reward yourself throughout the day for simply being you!
Commitment
I think this is perhaps the most important one of all. How many times have we told ourselves we are going to do something, and then we fail to follow through? We flake on ourselves time and time again. We might think of something we want to do but then we allow other’s needs or wants to interfere with our plans. If we bailed on our friends as much as we bailed on ourselves, they would probably disown us. Being able to invest in yourself and acknowledging your needs and wants is one way to show that you are committed to yourself. The second way to commit to yourself is to simply decide you are a priority and to accept where you are in your process. Many of us don’t follow through with what we want because we are afraid to fail, value other’s needs more, feel pressured, or may fear change. We may not be ready to prioritize our self-care first and foremost and this is also okay. Whatever the reason for not following through, commitment means you are willing to be in process. It means you are trying and putting forth the effort. It’s a mindset of believing that you are working towards what you want. The emphasis is on the journey, not the destination. Be willing to be in process with yourself and trust that you are where you need to be at the moment.
So now that we have discussed how to fall in love with you, let’s take a look at a love letter written to one’s self about their personal self-love journey.
“A Love Letter”
Dear Self,
I wanted to take this time to say thank you. Thank you for always being there, literally. I know at times, I may have ignored you, dismissed you, criticized you, silenced you, said you weren’t good enough, and have allowed others to hurt you. For that, I am sorry. As you know, I grew up watching soap operas and reading fairytales about finding the perfect love out there. I spent countless hours throughout my life imagining my prince charming who would sweep me off my feet, or the wonderful job that would make me feel complete. I remember thinking, I’ll be happy with myself as soon as I lose these 10 pounds. Love was always just outside my reach. The more I searched, the more I relied on others to guide me. After all, their Instagram and Facebook pages showed they were happy, so they must have been credible sources, right? Wrong! Truth is, you have been there since day one and you know me better than anyone else. You know everything that I have experienced, stood by me every time I shed a tear or felt lonely. You stood by quietly, hoping I would one day see you. You hoped I would one day realize I was never alone because I had you. And you know what? When I realized you were there, everything changed. Now I don’t feel afraid to be “alone”. I have come to enjoy our alone time together because it is our quality time. I get to check in with you, see how you are feeling, what you are thinking and needing. I’ve come to enjoy learning more about you each day. Things I may have felt embarrassed about in the past, I now find endearing because it’s you and what makes you special. I enjoy listening to you and trusting in your guidance. Since finding you, I have been trying to prioritize this relationship and that has led me to make some pretty drastic decisions. It has led me to turn my life upside down. It has caused me to lose a lot of people and things that once gave me a sense of security and certainty. And when I look back at everything that has transpired, I stand with conviction knowing that I have done these things for you and you, my love, are worth it!
Love does not need to be something we fall into. You are love. It’s what you are made of. It’s all around you.
“Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.” – Carl Jung
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